Ah, so it begins.
Most people get devils on their shoulders. You know, those little visible-only-to-you guys in red tights and squeaky voices who tell you you eating the whole pie is a wonderful idea because, after all, it'll save someone else from growing hips that can't get through a door. Eating that pie is actually helping your fellow man.
No, of course it doesn't make sense, but do you really care when you're shoveling a pie into your mouth?
I'm not so sure I have one of those internal devils. I have a few external ones, but my friends are only doing their best to keep me from going insane and/or possibly harming those around me infected with The Stupid. I think what I have is an internal gremlin.
And, I'm talking a gremlin in the original sense of a gremlin. Forget about the annoying creatures that would appear and cause havoc if you fed some cute little fluffball after midnight. Forget about what Dungeons and Dragons considers gremlins. I'm talking gremlins from back in the day when members of the RAF in World War 2 would swear little creatures were sabotaging their planes, which is why they would have mysterious mechanical failures and accidents. I'm talking about those nasty annoying creatures who like throwing monkey wrenches in the cogs. They are annoying, nasty, and absolutely laugh at your misfortune.
I've been sitting here all day knowing I should be studying. I should be reading ahead. I should be trying to figure out a sequence that will allow me to give massages with more fluidity. I should be learning knew ways to ground and relax myself so that I can give something akin to a decent massage. Now, a devil on the shoulder would be saying things like, "Why? You don't have a test. You can study tomorrow." That I could live with. What's giving me trouble is the voice that says, "You are having to give up doing all the things you love to do to read some boring old books to do something you may not even be good at anyway. Is it worth giving up a relaxing Sunday for that?" A little devil likes to do a little derailment. A gremlin likes to gum up the works until they stop altogether.
Gremlins are much harder to deal with, especially when your self-confidence rises and lowers like a tide. They have voices that sound like all the people who ever said you weren't good enough, who tell you that you should stop right now and just accept your fate because you're only going to fail anyway. They talk and talk and talk and suddenly you realized all those voices have blended together and now they sound exactly like you. Internal gremlins have evolved beyond tools and airplanes. They know how to make you shoot yourself in your own foot.
They are nasty.
And, I'm battling one right now. I keep having to tell myself over and over that I can do this. I may not be right now, but I can be good at this. I only have to learn to relax. I only have to just sit back and learn. I have to only sit and just study a little every night to stay ahead. I'm going to be tired, but it's only six months. Two week have passed already.
Oh, but the gremlin inside is poking, poking, poking at the holes in my defenses, telling me that I'm still a neurotic mess and will always be that way, that there's no way I could be good at this being a neurotic mess, that it's just too hard and I should stop now.
I must really want this because I'm fighting him with everything I've got. I figure, if don't have the energy to do a lot of studying today, then working up that consultation form they wanted and maybe doing a little reading is enough. It's better than nothing.
The gremlin doesn't like that. The gremlin scowls and grumbles when he doesn't totally get his way. Granted, I'm feeling that knot in my neck right now that appears when I'm feeling nervous, stressed, and down on myself, but it didn't stop me from doing something.
I'm glad for it. It makes me proud of me. As afraid as I am of failure, I'm still plugging along with the angry gremlin grumbling on my shoulder.
That's got to count for something.
I'm hoping that like most bullies, eventually he'll go find someone else to annoy and maybe I can finish my schooling in peace. Until then, it's going to be a long six months.
Most people get devils on their shoulders. You know, those little visible-only-to-you guys in red tights and squeaky voices who tell you you eating the whole pie is a wonderful idea because, after all, it'll save someone else from growing hips that can't get through a door. Eating that pie is actually helping your fellow man.
No, of course it doesn't make sense, but do you really care when you're shoveling a pie into your mouth?
I'm not so sure I have one of those internal devils. I have a few external ones, but my friends are only doing their best to keep me from going insane and/or possibly harming those around me infected with The Stupid. I think what I have is an internal gremlin.
And, I'm talking a gremlin in the original sense of a gremlin. Forget about the annoying creatures that would appear and cause havoc if you fed some cute little fluffball after midnight. Forget about what Dungeons and Dragons considers gremlins. I'm talking gremlins from back in the day when members of the RAF in World War 2 would swear little creatures were sabotaging their planes, which is why they would have mysterious mechanical failures and accidents. I'm talking about those nasty annoying creatures who like throwing monkey wrenches in the cogs. They are annoying, nasty, and absolutely laugh at your misfortune.
I've been sitting here all day knowing I should be studying. I should be reading ahead. I should be trying to figure out a sequence that will allow me to give massages with more fluidity. I should be learning knew ways to ground and relax myself so that I can give something akin to a decent massage. Now, a devil on the shoulder would be saying things like, "Why? You don't have a test. You can study tomorrow." That I could live with. What's giving me trouble is the voice that says, "You are having to give up doing all the things you love to do to read some boring old books to do something you may not even be good at anyway. Is it worth giving up a relaxing Sunday for that?" A little devil likes to do a little derailment. A gremlin likes to gum up the works until they stop altogether.
Gremlins are much harder to deal with, especially when your self-confidence rises and lowers like a tide. They have voices that sound like all the people who ever said you weren't good enough, who tell you that you should stop right now and just accept your fate because you're only going to fail anyway. They talk and talk and talk and suddenly you realized all those voices have blended together and now they sound exactly like you. Internal gremlins have evolved beyond tools and airplanes. They know how to make you shoot yourself in your own foot.
They are nasty.
And, I'm battling one right now. I keep having to tell myself over and over that I can do this. I may not be right now, but I can be good at this. I only have to learn to relax. I only have to just sit back and learn. I have to only sit and just study a little every night to stay ahead. I'm going to be tired, but it's only six months. Two week have passed already.
Oh, but the gremlin inside is poking, poking, poking at the holes in my defenses, telling me that I'm still a neurotic mess and will always be that way, that there's no way I could be good at this being a neurotic mess, that it's just too hard and I should stop now.
I must really want this because I'm fighting him with everything I've got. I figure, if don't have the energy to do a lot of studying today, then working up that consultation form they wanted and maybe doing a little reading is enough. It's better than nothing.
The gremlin doesn't like that. The gremlin scowls and grumbles when he doesn't totally get his way. Granted, I'm feeling that knot in my neck right now that appears when I'm feeling nervous, stressed, and down on myself, but it didn't stop me from doing something.
I'm glad for it. It makes me proud of me. As afraid as I am of failure, I'm still plugging along with the angry gremlin grumbling on my shoulder.
That's got to count for something.
I'm hoping that like most bullies, eventually he'll go find someone else to annoy and maybe I can finish my schooling in peace. Until then, it's going to be a long six months.
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