Where Comfort is the Goal

So, I joined Weight Watchers. Despite my ob/gyn's reassurance that  Depo Provera will not make me gain weight, 40 pounds in three years really makes me side with my more knowledgable GP who explained just why those statistics the ob/gyn was quoting to me were skewed on the side of teh Depo creators.  Let's add to that every woman I have ever met who ever tried Depo telling me they gained weight really fast.  Now, let's also add to this my heritage.  I'm Mexican/Native Indian/German.  That is the kind of genetic make-up guaranteed to make me blow up like Violet in "Willy Wonka" 'cept that it won't be blueberry juice giving me my nice round appearance. I'm definitely changing ob/gyn.  I'm also, because of said genetic make-up and current age, having a hell of a time losing the weight.  So, to Weight Watchers I go. I've done it before, and I did lose weight, and I did keep it off for a long time.  So, at least I know it will work at least some. I'm just a little depressed I'm having to go back.  Now, granted, on top of the Depo, hubby and I have not been very good with our general diet and that is definitely a contribution.  I won't deny that, and neither will he.  Still, I hate that I'm in this position again. Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not fatphobic or anything.  I find a lot of beauty in women of all sizes.  I would probably find a lot of beauty in me if I wasn't so uncomfortable.  And, that's the thing, I'm not comfortable.  I know women twice my size who are perfectly happy.  I know women rail thin who are also content.  I also know those in those same categories who hate themselves.  Me?  Okay, for a while it was hatred fed by unreal expectations of society.  I've come to terms with that.  Now, I just don't feel right.  I don't feel comfortable.  I don't feel healthy.  I feel like I pay attention to my body way too much, if that makes any sense.  It might be because my clothes don't fit well these days.  Either way, I know that if I felt completely comfortable with my size, I wouldn't be so obsessed about my body.  I would be content, happy, and just live my life.  But, obviously, to me, my body is not meant to be this size as it seems to be letting me know regularly that it doesn't like it. I need to listen to my body. I haven't a goal weight.  I remember the first time I lost weight I reached point where I felt good.  I felt comfortable in my skin and remember voicing it to my roommate at the time.  I was lying on the couch and just realized how much I felt like I fit in my body again.  That's what I want.  I'm not looking for uber skinny.  I'm just looking for the moment when I stop and think, "Damn, I feel good.  Hell, I look good, too!"  I think I might have been a size 12.  Don't know.  I'm wasn't measuring it.  It's all about feeling. I'm not sure if Weight Watchers does the BMI thing, but I hope not.  I have definite opinions on the BMI.  These opinions usually involve a lot of growling and cursing.  Anything that seems to think I should be 110 pounds is about the dumbest thing I've ever encountered.  Seriously.  At a size 8, I was 145 pounds.  This is because I am built like an Amazon.  Much like my mother, I have big bones, a thick rib cage, broad shoulders, hella awesome boobage, and a tendency towards a muscular build.  110 pounds would be anorexic for me.  I actually got lower than 145 for a while and I kept feeling...off.  It's hard to explain.  My body knows when it's happy, and when I reach Happy, then I will maintain.  Happy might be more than 145, but I'm not going to argue with my body.  It knows what's best. And, yes, that sound seriously cheesy, but do people really ever just listen to their bodies?  Well, it's actually listening to that part of your brain you don't normally hear, that part that's more under the radar and more concerned with your every day function.  That part tends to let you know in subtle ways when it's not happy. Either way, whether it's our bodies or brains, our selves know when we are happy.  If you are happy at 200 pounds, 110 pounds, or anything under, over, and in between, bravo!  It sucks we aren't allowed to be happy with who we are in today's America, but I will never judge anyone who is perfectly content in his or her self.  Instead, I will applaude them for ignoring the parts of society and money-mongering who try to tell us what will make us happy.  I hope we can all be that way.  Then, maybe, that shit will go away, and people can be people, and we can find we are attracted to this that or the other and not feel weird for it. I have my dreams. ______________________________________ Weight Watchers Day One: They want me to eat all those points worth of food.  All of them.  I know that isn't normally a problem if I eat my normal way, but in Paying Attention to My Body and Brain, it wants the things that really don't cost much points.  I ate half a box of Stove Top Stuffing tonight and it wasn't even close to meeting my points.  This might be harder than I thought.