Recently in Crochet Category

Okay, so my sidebar links are gone, as some of you may have noticed.  I'm seriously loving Movable Type, but the one thing it doesn't have is a built-in widget for sidebar links.  Very strange.  When Super Husband gets home later, I'm going to get him to help me install a possible plugin to fix that.  Fingers crossed, and stuff.

On another note, I've decided I have three distinct personalities.  There's the personality that runs things, let's call it the Mother Brain, my crafting/artistic/slightly insane personality, and my gaming girl/ADD-filled/very insane personality.  Mother Brain is often lazy and let's the other two run the show in one form or another.

At some point during the Little Rock gaming convention we went to, my gamer girl personality used it as a catalyst to hit my crafter personality in the head, gag and bind her, and throw her in a closet somewhere.  It's the only explanation I've got for being boring on the project side.

See, those two personalities haven't figured out how to live in harmony, yet.  They are in a constant struggle to maintain control.  It's a rare thing that I can work on artistic projects and still game and vice-versa.  Normally, this isn't a big deal, but I think my gamer girl personality has been working out, for she is righteously strong and is refusing to let go.  This is a problem as I have a lot of projects to work on.

Thankfully, although Mother Brain is lazy, Mother Brain recognizes what must be done and has been slowly been reclaiming control, or at least giving the crafter personality a boost.  They will gang up on the gamer girl personality and get things back in line, especially since my gamer girl side has extreme ADD.

Now, somehow, I'm going to have to figure out a way to get these personalities to work together because, see, with all the conventions we're going to this year, there is a very real possibility the gamer girl personality will regain control and interrupt things.  I do not wish to have projects linger, but, on the other hand, I do not wish to give up gaming.

Maybe I need to create a personality who can mediate?

Or maybe, I should get some professional help, take some powerful drugs, and just drool in the corner.

I don't think anyone would really be surprised if that happened.





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Sometimes, I think it would be just easier to be stark, raving looney.  No one would really be surprised by anything I do.

I only have one request from the people who purchase/win/abscond with any of my creatures: please send me pictures of you with them or them in the "wild". I love my little creations and want to see how they're doing in their new homes.  That and it's damn fun to see the kind of creative settings people come up with for their new companions. As I've said in a previous post, funnily enough, my Wee Dragons are rarely bought or gifted to children.  Oh, sure, the kids love them (as evidenced by the 6 year-old who grabbed a dragon during a "Holy, shit, we need to finish the projects!" gathering so she could show it to her mother in order to convince said mother that she Had To Have One.)  Still, most of them go to adults, and ya'll, there is much sqeeing and merriment in the wake of an adult bearing a Wee Dragon (TM). Please witness example number one: They are help creatures, my Wee Dragons.  Here is one surpervising the moving of a shelving unit.  You can bet it will be placed in just the right spot. Just look at that very boss-like stare.  Would you say no to that? Of course, there are always dangers along the way. These dangers aren't much of a problem for a Wee Dragon. But, it can be a draining situation. That could lead to trouble in certain environments... Oh, dear. A poor dragon can't even rest before the dreaded Beer Ninjas attack! Their only weak spot is the wine warrior who follows the Wee Dragon around. He's not very powerful, but he's pretentious enough to distract the Beer Ninjas by confusing him with his flowery, pretentious speech, buying some time to for our hero dragon to get away. And, just when you think things would calm down... Our hero dragon finds himself trapped in the Grip of Power! He's not sure why this is an issue or exactly how he got into this situation, but it does afford him an interesting view of the landscape. Happily enough, our dragon friend managed to escape the various perils and find his way home where there is good beer, better wine, and an amazing lack of adventures including spiders. (Good thing, he never liked spiders anyway.) Mucho thanks to Charlie for providing the pictures that will join my Creature Gallery.  You should totally be proud of how stinking fabulous they are.

Yes, folks, it's that time! It's time to announce the winners of my OWOH giveaway! I have to tell you, after the pleading, pouts, prayers, and several attempts at bribery, it was a hard choice. Well, a hard choice for the random number generator. If I had tried to choose myself, I would have overloaded with guilt for not being able to give each and every one of you a dragon and a bunny. So, in a way, it was hard. I am sorry I can't give each of you a dragon and bunny, but I am also very happy I got to meet you all and seriously hope you come back to visit...or at least join me in breaking in the new blog domain. Anyway, here we go! The winner of the dragon is...

I haven't mentioned the CSPIA in a while. This wasn't because I wasn't still fighting the good fight. It was mostly because I needed my blog to be one of the places that didn't talk about it since most the places where I spent most of my time were all about the CSPIA. Sometimes, you just need a place to recharge.

Today, on National Bankruptcy Day, I feel the need to chat about it a bit.

There has been a stay put on the CSPIA which many people have pretty much determined is just a stay for the CPSC to not have to enforce the law despite their press release.

Mostly because of the fine print which pretty much says you still have to test and that the state attorney generals can still enforce it. Granted, the press release states:

The Commission trusts that State Attorneys General will respect the Commission's judgment that it is necessary to stay certain testing and certification requirements and will focus their own enforcement efforts on other provisions of the law, e.g. the sale of recalled products.

There isn't trust that the state attorney generals won't take the fine print and run with it.

And, well, there's that whole having to test or destroy children's books printed before 1985. (Boy, that bit was definitely written by someone with the intellectual savvy of mayonnaise.)

Well, recently, the CSPIA actually released a rather easy to read set of guidlines explaining the definition of children's products, who should test, why, and what they are and aren't worried about.

You can find the PDF file on their site, but here's a direct link: CPSIA Guide

Do note their little "out" on the bottom of the title page. Either way, it does explain things.

Too bad they waited until the very last damn minute to post it. For many businesses, it's too late. And, the book thing still hasn't been resolved. (Lead in books? Are they kidding?)

Now, according to their little guide, their FAQ page, and an agent spoken to by an Etsy seller as posted by Knot By Gran'ma if your items are labeled "not intended for children under 12" then you're good. They will take your word for it. Now, granted, their FAQ has this little tidbit:

Does the CPSIA envision stuffed animals falling within the scope of the CPSIA’s lead limits or phthalate limits?

Most stuffed animals would be considered to be children’s products and presumably toys. A manufacturer would need to determine whether the design of the stuffed animals is such that it is subject to the lead paint limits, the lead content limits or the phthalate limits.

Now, that doesn't mean they automatically consider all stuffed animals toys, just most. And, that bit bout "A manufacturer would need to determine whether the design of the stuffed animals blah, blah, blah..." Well, considering their guide has this handy-dandy little table:

Table B ‐ These materials or components can be used (separately or in combination) and sold (provided they have not been treated or altered or undergone any processing that could result in the addition of lead):

•Precious gemstones: diamond, ruby, sapphire or emeralds
•Semiprecious stones provided that the mineral or material is not based on lead and is not associated with any mineral based on lead
•Natural or cultured pearls
•Wood
•Other natural materials including coral, amber, feathers, fur, and untreated leather
•Surgical steel
•Gold, of at least 10 karats
•Silver, at least 925/1000 pure
•Platinum, palladium, rhodium, osmium, iridium, and ruthenium
•Yarn, dyed or undyed
•Dyed or undyed textiles (cotton, wool, hemp, nylon, etc.), including children’s fabric products, such as baby blankets, and non‐metallic thread and trim. This does not include products that have rhinestones or other ornaments that may contain lead or that have fasteners with possible lead content (such as buttons, metal snaps, zippers or grommets).
•Children’s books printed after 1985 that are conventionally printed and intended to be read, as opposed to used for play
•Certain educational materials, such as chemistry sets

So, if you use any of these items, you're still golden, as long as you're careful about buttons and such.

What it comes down to is they are finally getting the hint and figuring out that, yes, this rule has to have exceptions. I expect there will be tons of revisions of this guide and that there will be much arguing about this law.

Now, the reason I'm posting this is to shine a light down the tunnel and to also make sure that there is no question about my items. First of all, I have emailed all the manufacturers of the yarns, filler, etc. I use to make my crocheted creatures, and they have all certified lead-free. On top of that, the CPSC itself says that textiles are not counted.

Granted, even if they hadn't said that, I wasn't going to stop making my creatures. Nothing I use has lead in it, and everything is as safe as I can make it. Hell, as proof, when I'm sewing dragon bits together, I often have to wet the end of the yarn to get it through the eye of the tapestry needle, and how do most people moisten the end of thread or yarn before poking it through a needle? They stick it in their mouth! As much as I have to do that, I ought to be suffering pretty heavily from lead poisoning if there were lead in the yarn. But, THERE IS NO LEAD IN YARN. And, I'll be damned if they're going to tell me I can't make my creatures because they had a knee jerk reaction to the horrors imported from China. Products manufactured in this country are already bound by laws to keep lead and other dangers out of a child's toy box. The CSPIA is not only redundant but aimed at the wrong people. Oh, sure, I'm all for product safety, especially for kids, but um, let's try to aim the laws at the source of the problems, namely Asian manufacturers. My creatures have no loose parts. They do not contain lead.

Now, they are toys. I'll freely admit that. Although, funnily enough, I've not sold a single dragon for a child. Every one that I've sold has gone to an adult who had no intention of sharing with any kid. (Does that make them adult toys?) But, I can't deny, especially after seeing how many people want to give them to their kids if they win one for the OWOH, that they are toys. Did I ever intend them for kids under 12? Honestly? No. I intended them for fantasy convention geeks and SCA folks and really did just have adults in mind. Probably because I'm mostly an adult kid myself. But, I absolutely believed that some people will want them for their kids. Now, I could easily turn them into art dolls and say they aren't for children, but I can't control it if a parent decides to give it to their child. Besides, as previously stated, it doesn't matter anyway, yarn is not included in the lead testing and all of my stuff was already tested by the manufacturer anyway. They are about as safe as any other stuffed creature made with love, care, and the intention to give adults a chance to be kids and kids to have something that isn't cold, mass-produced, and void of any personality at all.

So, I leave it up to the populace to decide. I will make my Wee Dragons and my Balls of Bun and probably whatever else comes to mind. If parents aren't satisfied that they aren't going to abjectly murder children, they don't have to buy them. As stated, I mainly had adults in mind anyway. But, according to the CSPIA and several senators' aides and that guide book, I don't have to stop making them.

Besides, it's absolutely against my very fiber to let them bully me. My paternal grandmother taught me to crochet when I was six. She would be very proud to see how I've progressed from potholders, and I doubt very seriously she would let me stop just because some government yahoo who knows nothing about handmade products wrote some sweeping legislation just to give himself a pat on the back. She was Cajun. Cajuns don't take too kindly to being bullied.

For Grandma!



_________________
And, hey, if they want to push the issue and decide that, yes, everything must be tested and, yes, we are all potential baby killers, then fine, let them. When the same people who support it can't find the handmade stuff they want to buy in order to avoid Chinese imports, when they go looking for some collectible doll from their childhood only to be told it is in a landfill, when all the books they grew up with are gone, when they realize it's not a Good Thing to let the government raise their kids, we'll see how fast the law changes. And, still I will make Wee Dragons. Because Wee Dragons don't take kindly to being bullied either.

Besides, being a Crafting Outlaw has an appeal to it...

I wasn't as productive as I would have wanted tonight, but considering I've been pushing my productivity for the last few weeks to its very limits of ADD, I'm not surprised I shut down tonight. Yes, ADD. I have project ADD. I have this tendency to get really into a project, and when it nears completion...move on to the next one. I know there are people who suffer this beyond my blog borders. I've met some of you. You can't deny it. You know that things are going well. The current project is progressing. You will finish it and more because people are demanding it. But, oh, look! A duck! Yeah, don't try to deny it. You've all had those moments when you're working on something you "must finish" and then something you "must try" clouds your vision and threatens to take you into the world of "something more interesting." And, it's a serious tease because you know the thing you are working on is seriously interesting, but the little bumps in the creative road make it less interesting than starting something new. Don't look at me like that because I know you understand what I'm talking about.

Now, luckily, I feel my project ADD isn't in its truest form tonight. I worked on a previous project in lieu of the ones loooming. Granted, that's not the best excuse, but it isn't the death knell on my projects. Apparently, I needed a break from crochet to work on my sketch of a zombie girl scout.

It's not even close to being done, but, hey, I figured I'd give you guys something to giggle at. (One of these days it will be gross and disturbing...or disturbingly funny...I think I prefer disturbingly funny...) _______________________ Here's a fun game a friend of ours made up to keep his children interested at dinner, no matter where it was. Look around the room, and ask yourself the question, "What would I use to defend myself if the Zombie Apocalypse came?"In your current room, would you survive?

I'm not sure what to say about my latest creation except the level of annoyance it took to bring it to fruition bordered on the obnoxious.

You know, the funny thing is I really think the reason it was so difficult was because it was cute.

I seem to have a problem with cute.

I don't mind cute on my terms. My Wee Dragons are way cute, for instance. And, yes, this creation is also quite cute, but, honestly, I don't have this much trouble when I do twisted, odd, weird, disturbing, or even "cute in a way that keeps its mother from devouring it".

Now, granted, some of the blame lies in the yarn itself.

I love natural fibers. I prefer them. But, after the Invasion of the Great Munching Menace of 2008, I am short an entire stash and definitely short of cash to replace it. (Only a tiny fraction of my stash survived, including the alpaca, thankfully.) Plus, I have seen my dragons in the hands of children and adults (mostly adults) and frankly, their treatment of the dragons runs about the same. This isn't a bad thing. They are played with and enjoyed, but being played with and enjoyed means they will get dirty. It's much easier to wash a dragon made out of acrylic rather than natural fibers. Sure, I have no problems making them out of something natural. I would love to. But, until someone commissions one with the request that natural is what they won't, I won't assume. Natural fibers require a special care that most people aren't aware of. Granted, more and more people are learning, but I really don't want to get an email saying they weren't aware that wool would felt quite like that and while it might still be a dragon, it really...well...do you know any good carnival sideshows?

I tried using a regular Red Heart kind of yarn, but it made the creation come out...stiff. The dragons kind of need a little stiffness to their fabric for what they are, but this one has floppy ears. Red Heart yarn, no matter how loosely you crochet it, does not produce the right amount of flop.

This is why I moved to the Homespun. I had some of it left over that had not been infected by the Munching Menace, and thought that it was just the right amount of soft and fluffy to give the right amount of flop.

And, I was right.

Yes, it argued with me. Yes, it tried to eat my hook. Yes, it would curse me under it's breath and unravel into an unworkable fluff while I was asleep. Still, it was perfect for the project.

So, without further ado and with much hope you guys will like it, I present:

Ball of Bun!

Now, I think he's pretty damn cute, and with the battle it took to design him and get the yarn to actually be him, I find a satisfying little twisted sense-of-humor in that smile.

I seriously hope ya'll like him because not only will there be more like him, but he is also the official Second Prize to my OWOH giveaway. You will find the official giveaway post updated, so even if you're after the bunny, please post comments there.

I have to tell you guys, this one was a hard one for me. He's very squishy and has ears that are perfect for playing Helicopter Bunny. He almost made me become a very rude blogger and inform ya'll that he's Mine, mine, and you can't have him! Nyah! But, I resisted.

Kind of.

Sort of.

He's smiling at me and one ear is flipped over his head.

February 12th better come quick...

_____________________ God, I'm losing my cred, I think. Our friends all know me as the person who not only got married on Halloween but who made most of the props for the reception. (Well, Todd did the seven-foot Grim Reaper. I love that man.) I have a handmade bat-winged skull over the fireplace. One of the first things I gave the Hubby when we started dating was a homemade candle holder that definitely looked as if it had a less than stellar day. I If I keep producing cute stuff, they might start thinking that the Halloween parties are going to have unspiked punch and Wal-Mart decorations. Definitely can't have that. After the Mardi Gras mask commission, it's back to my roots...that is, of course, if I'm not making dragons or bunnies...

You know, I know yarn is inanimate. I mean, for the most part. Okay, when it has been spun from fibers that came from a living creature, I sometimes expect some residual sentience. For instance, I once spent an entire weekend explaining to a ball of wool in no uncertain terms that it will become a pair of socks, and if continued that insubordinate attitude then it would get to know our fireplace up close and personal. After some back-talk, it finally listened. As I said, I kind of expect it from wool. It was once living, right? And, considering it was forcibly taken from a rather angry sheep then washed, carded, spun, dyed, and generally treated with what we would call "respect" but what with what it would call "abject cruelty," it's no wonder it has an attitude. Wool has an excuse. So, what the hell kind of excuse does the synthetic yarn I'm using have? Seriously. I've been having this argument with this stuff for days. I'm telling it it will be a bunny. It insults my lineage and frays into something that looks remarkably like Pomeranian fluff. I cut the fluff off, start over, and remind it that while it may try to eat my hook, I do still have a fireplace. Synthetic yarn is never as impressed with a fireplace. I think because it doesn't burn so much as melt and stink, getting the last laugh. The war has raged on. Last night, there was a victory as I achieved bunny feet with bunny toes. Hard to see in the yarn's fluffiness, but there are bunny toes! But, as you know, one victory doesn't often end a war, and war is not pleasant to look at. I shudder to show you the photograph of the progress, but I, for one, am all about letting people make their own decisions about what they should and should not see. Warning: if you have small children in the room, you might want to hide their impressionable eyes. Deep breath... I know. It's terrible, but I don't like hiding the truth from the world even if it's ugly. Yes, it's yarn carnage, but with hopes, from the carnage will come cute fluffiness. It's the price I pay for a bunny. And, may be the price you all pay. See, if the yarn cooperates and turns into a soft, squishy bunny in the next day or so, then I will offer it up as a runner-up prize for the One-World, One-Heart giveaway. So, you see, the process may be harsh and ugly, but from that comes fluffy squees! This yarn will not get the best of me! This yarn will become squishy goodness and it will like it! I will win! For the sake of the OWOH travelers, I will win! Stupid synthetic yarn. If my entire stash had not been invaded by moths, I'm sure the wool would be laughing.


______________________ The yarn is Lion Brand Homespun, which, while fluffy and soft and something you definitely pet, is a snaggable nightmare. Now, crocheters understand this, I think. It's not snaggable in the since that it will snag on a rounded corner of your coffee table if it comes within five feet of it. It's snaggable in the sense that you put your hook through the loop for a pull-through and what you get is fibers from the previous row who have decided they will take your hook for ransom. It is the cause of much cursing, a good deal of drinking, and enough growling to make the dog leave the room in worry.

The Punk Dragon is done. Okay, I call it a punk dragon because while it looks a little like something a member of the Clash might find adorable, there really is a reason behind it. Let me explain. See, I'm a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism where we create a persona that existed from a time period ranging from "how early do ya wanna go?" to 1600, dress up in outfits that mimic that time period, go to events to watch men and women in armor beat the snot out of each other while eating, drinking, being merry and learning how to be more accurate in our persona. It's all historical and yet not, hence the "Anachronism" part of the title. Anyway, it's a fun hobby. As I mentioned, there is fighting. Well, the fighters need a kind of referee to make sure everyone's armor is up to snuff, to keep them from getting too carried away, and letting them know when a piece of armor has blown out. This is only a small portion of what they do. They are the Safety Squad. In order to distinguish them on the fighting field as marshalls they carry around a black and yellow stick. For example: For obvious reasons, we call it the Twisty Stick. A friend of ours is a marshall and commissioned from me a black and yellow dragon. He, essentially, wanted a Twisty Dragon. Ask and ye shall receive: I wasn't so sure about this one. I was kind of afraid he would be a bit obnoxious or look something like a crazed bumble bee, but you know, I think he came out pretty cool. I like him. He's a dragon that marches to the beat of his own drum and really doesn't care what the other dragons think. He also makes me think I should do more punk dragons. Wee Dragons, Punk and Goth Editions. Oh, and I tried taking better pictures of my niece's dragon. The other pictures I took just weren't that great. The rainbow yarn I used looked way more red than it is and not all that palatable. (Not that I was all that happy about using rainbow yarn anyway. But, she's five. What do you do?) I think this is a slightly better pic. The reds don't look quite as harsh. It still looks better in person. I just wish I could have found a rainbow yarn with a bit more yellow. As I had said, though, I had a hard enough time looking for rainbow yarn that didn't look a rainbow had thrown up after a bender. Of course, the next dragon commission is a camouflaged dragon for a five-year-old boy. Kids. They know what they want, that's for sure. _____________________________ I earned serious brownie points with a group of emo teens at the Barnes and Noble stitch last Friday. About five of them came up and nervously pointed out how cool my dragons were. I thanked them, after which they shuffled their feet a bit, looked a little embarrassed, grinned sheepishly, and ran off. I didn't think I was all that scary.

Way-back-when I ranted about crochet embarrassments and how any perfectly good crochet (or knit) pattern can be turned into something the cat wouldn't puke on if it were crocheted/knitted in a terrible color or yarn. Which is very true. You've all seen it. That sweater pattern that would be quite nice without the avocado green and harvest gold stripes or the bright orange pom-poms. There are some patterns that, with some love, care, imagination, and an exorcism, can be saved. (There are exceptions. See my post discussing the signs that a pattern ain't right. It could preserve your sanity.) Then, there are some patterns that should never have been hocked up from the bowels of Satan's Aunt Lucifina's personal pit. Darlings, there are some patterns that just can't be saved, and for all that's holy, should never try to be saved. If you see any of these patterns in the wild, nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. First, I would like to give credit where it's due: Some of these come from The Museum of Kitschy Stitches. Hell, they deserve to be mentioned just for the phrase "Can you hear the apples screaming, Clarice?" Beautiful. Most of the crochet horrors came from Groovy Crochet which is sadly only kept alive by the Wayback Machine because while they had some truly terrifying projects, there were a few that could be salvaged into something that wouldn't make you puke. A great deal of these are coming from You Knit What?! which was a truly wonderful blog I discovered a year too late. They no longer update, but the blog is still up for you to discover new horrors for yourself And, lastly, Berroco is the cause of a great deal of icky pattern headaches, and at least needs to be mentioned. Sad because apparently they produce some pretty cute stuff, too. You have to be careful with these guys. Some of you have probably seen some of these, but I don't care. Prepare yourselves, darlings, here they come: You know, there aren't enough margaritas in the world that would cause my mother to want to dress up like a demented clown. She admits to doing macrame, but not even the macrame owl measured up to these atrocities. Of course, I'm sure she would have found it infinitely funny to send my idiot father something this horrible. To think of it, I would find it pretty damned funny... (Don't ask, it's better you don't know.) Okay, let's step out of my own trauma to discuss why these are perfect cases for child abuse. Seriously. What kind of valium-laced acid trip produces something like that? Who hates their children this much? Were they so ugly that you had to hide their faces under something even uglier? Look, I've seen latex masks on Halloween that make me wonder about the state of humanity, but this...this would make Freddi Krueger scream like a little girl. There is a theory that demons aren't imaginative enough to come up with the kind of evils that humans inflict on each other. I believe them. This one has been floating around for a while. It's the perfect example of something that should never be done to a ball of yarn. The creator(s) can send me hate comments if they want, but unless they were trying to be funny, there is no excuse for this. Las Vegas hookers would laugh at this. Their pimps would probably beat them until they promised to wear something that would make money. You should be banned from picking up a hook for this. And, the flaming begins...now! And, you know, there are days when I think that it would be fantabulous to dress up like a granny square throw blanket! I mean, wouldn't it be awesome? Yeah. On Groovy Crochet, where I found this, they seemed very excited to have it. They really shouldn't be. Really, really shouldn't be. It should be recorded for posterity for what not to do with yarn. Unless, of course, you wanted to inflict it upon your posterity. Poor kid should have been collected by the state long before this happened to him. On this next one, let's start with the fact she reminds me of Mrs. Roper from "Three's Company"... You know what? Mrs. Roper and her Technicolor mu-mus were way more fashionable. At least, they were funny. While I would like to find humor in this, I mostly just want to bleach my eyes. I'm not sure whether or not I should shout, "Check your damn gauge!" or "Geezus, woman, if you wanted to dress up as a circus tent, you could have just asked Bozo the Clown for some tips." Wow. While 80's fashion have revisited us with all of their horribleness, (Have you been to the mall lately?) I'm hoping this is one that stays far, far away. You know, I'm not a small woman, but I sure as hell don't want to accentuate it by wearing a knitted parachute. I'm not quite sure to say about this next one... Remember back in the day when punk was in? Could you imagine try as you might, your hair just wouldn't give you the right mohawk, and your mother, thinking it would make you feel better, knitted you up the cutest little mohawk hat and insisted you wear it to your favorite club? The beating you received that night might not have been funny then, but I'm sure it's a laugh riot now, even as you look down at all of those people from the clock tower as you load your rifle... I have a friend who weaves who has managed to find an interesting and lovely use of fun fur or something similar. It adds texture and depth to the beautiful pieces she creates... This is just proof that fun fur in the wrong hands has yark-inducing results. I was never happy with the invention of fun fur to begin with, but to see it used this way reaffirms my belief it's the particularly favorite yarn of Satan's Aunt Lucifina. Sorry, Lara, but while you managed to tame some of the fun fur, it doesn't change its evil nature. This was billed as a "manly tank top": If I were to present this to my Todd at Christmas, he would laugh and ask where his real present was. If I couldn't produce one...well...let's just say I'm sure he would cry as he packed his bags, remembering how good we had it before I went completely out of my mind. I'm not even sure what to think of these knitted...things... As if that's not bad enough... Lara, tell me that doesn't look like Brianna and Tiger. I know they have better taste than this. I know they do. I don't believe they'd wear this crap. I don't believe they'd wear this crap. I don't believe... God, do I feel this woman's pain. Imagine it, you're a worker for the Humane Society, and you're called in to investigate possible animal abuse. You go to this nice suburb, and you walk into a house of unimaginable tastelessness. Dozens of animals dressed in knitted outfits. And, there's this one poor lump in the corner... It's okay, Mr. Kitty. We'll get you out of this. We will. Oh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Don't worry. You'll make it. Oh, why do people have to be so cruel? Speaking of the Humane Society... ...they need to find out who the asshole is that skinned the poor sheep dog for this coat and put them away forever. Poor thing probably had no idea what was in store for him. It wasn't even for good fashion... Okay, look, I know the 80's have returned. Being a child of the 80's, I'm allowed to be horrified by its re-emergence. But, you know, there are some things that the 80's hath wrought that need to stay as weird quirks of the past. Leg warmers are one of them. Okay, I admit, when I was young and stupid and had no sense of what was right and wrong, I wore leg warmers, but I now know that unless you are a dancer - and I'm not even sure if you are a dancer - these should not come within a hundred feet of your wardrobe. Not even if you have leopard print heels. And, on that note... It's not any cuter on your arms! Arm warmers?! For the love of... Just stop, people. Please. Just stop. Looking for that perfect knitting pattern for the slut in your life? Well, do we ever have something for you! I'm not sure how to describe this other than if you want your wares on display, this is the perfect outfit for you! Especially if you're at a sci-fi con! You'll have the unwashed nerds drooling all over you asking "Are you that chick from Serenity?" You know you want it... I...um...I.............wow..... I honestly think if knitted patterns like this existed during the life of the Marquis de Sade, he would have used them because honestly, only a true sadist could appreciate their potential. And, lastly, if you ever wanted an example of a Technicolor yawn, well, here you go... Why do I picture this woman walking into the big tent of a circus and all of the clowns screaming and running away? I imagine someone thought this was art or something. Nope. This is either colorblindness in action or a definite example of what happens when cousins marry. And, the flames begin...now! And, there you have it. Your after Halloween horrors. Look, I haven't gotten to knit in months, and I only got to crochet for a couple of hours on Friday. I feel the need to share the pain. I still love you guys anyway. Really. I do. I would only inflict this stuff on people I care about. Only they would understand... You can find more of these horrors on the sites mentioned. Off to study and not knit...